What it Isn’t

michael platania / Uncategorized / 0 Comment

I often read about people with depression, and I wonder how we can be talking about the same disease.  Usually it is along the lines of “I was successful in my career, I have an amazing spouse, a home I love, wonderful kids but something felt wrong.  That something, it turns out was depression.”

I would love to have a life where something felt wrong, as long as I was still able to have that wonderful life.

Effectively, I am unable to function in the world on a daily basis.  Some days, I am able to walk the dog, watch tv and read online blogs, eat something, smoke some pot and sleep.   On good days, I am able to force myself to attend a meetup group or Toastmaster meeting – although the effort to get out of bed, take a shower, get dressed, get on the subway and travel to the destination is a Herculean task.

The best way I can describe my depression is that everything I do feels like pushing a boulder up an ice mountain, while wearing socks.  I never get traction or momentum, and when I am able to take two steps forward, it is quickly followed by ten steps back.

The people in the stories I read online usually are at first resistant to medication, but eventually the acquiesce, take some pills, and now life is wonderful.  I’ve been depressed on medication and off medication.  I am one of the lucky ones with medication-resistant depression.  After trying Paxil and Prozac and Wellbutrin others I can no longer remember, none of which ever provided long term benefits, I gave up on medication being the cure.

I am fifty.  Most of my life I have experienced some form of depression.  I am tired.  And I do not want to live another fifty years like this.

Depression is Mean

michael platania / Michael's Journey / 2 Comments

I continue to struggle.  I continue to be challenged by and with depression on a daily basis. More accurately, I am defeated by depression on a daily basis.  It owns my life.  It controls my existence.  It is the dominant force in everything I think and do.   I could write about the little steps I take each day to hold off the darkness as much (or as little) as possible, but in the end, these steps are simply using a teaspoon to empty water out of a sinking ship.   I am drowning, and part of me doesn’t care.  Part of me – a bigger part than I would publicly admit – wants to drown, to fully and completely let go and simply slip under the water, and be done with depression – and life – once and for all.

I know what I’ve done in the past, the steps I have taken to lessen, if not eliminate, depression.   But this time something is different.  The old tricks are not working.  Attempts to exercise and eat better and move more and sleep less and be creative and whatever else it is I try to do are not working.  I am not getting the motivation or the momentum or any signs of moving forward.

Depression is mean and cruel and it robs me of life.  This is the first time I have been depressed that I can recall moments – glimpses – of what life can be like if I was fully alive and engaged and happy.  I haven’t had many of them in my life, but I do remember a few.  I don’t know if I will ever get back to them.  Each day I try.  Some are better than others, but what I have also found is that after one or two good days, I have very dark days.  That is what is happening now.  These are dark days.

 

 

Transition to Something Better (by Jeff Davis)

Transition to Something Better (by Jeff Davis)

michael platania / Uncategorized / , / 0 Comment

Today I am happy to publish this guest post by Jeff Davis.  I met Jeff a few months ago at Parkville Toastmasters.  Jeff shared a story about a time living in Europe when he found himself in a foreign land with no job and no money, yet still managed to survive and thrive!  It was an inspiring, encouraging story and I was impressed with his skills as a speaker.  Jeff is a dynamic guy with a great work ethic and an amazing future ahead of him.  Read and enjoy!

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The last year has been the most incredible, most tumultuous, and most rewarding year of my entire life. I’ve gotten numerous job offers, been accepted to Johns Hopkins University for graduate school in business, and have learned a lot about both myself and the world.

After graduating McDaniel College in May of 2011, I interviewed up and down the east coast. My major in economics and minor in mathematics allowed me to present myself in a favorable light to many employers. After receiving a short-term stint in early Fall of 2011 in which I was able to get my bearings in Maryland, I entered into my current company.

My current company, just outside of Baltimore, has certainly been a life-changing opportunity. By positioning myself well in this job, I was able to get into Johns Hopkins University. If I did not work in the finance department, I highly doubt I would have gotten into Hopkins. So I am lucky in the sense that pieces of the puzzle fell into place. At the same time, it’s important to be aware that one must capitalize on the opportunities that present itself. Initially, I did not know my coworkers well because I was 22 years old (now I’m 23). Over time, I became friendly with many of them, though there are still some who I do not ever talk to. I’ve come to realize that this is normal and is simply part of the working world. Be friendly to others, but also know that people are people, and it’s important to learn to be alright with that.

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60 Day Feel Good Challenge – Day 60: Believe

60 Day Feel Good Challenge – Day 60: Believe

michael platania / 60 Day Feel Good Challenge, Michael's Journey / , / 0 Comment

I made it!  Today is Day 60 of my 60 Day Feel Good Challenge.  I set out to accomplish something and I have achieved my goal.  I will be looking back at what I’ve written time and again, because this the path for me out of depression.

I thought I had written about belief before but as I look back I see that I have not.   It seems the appropriate final topic for this challenge.

When I was in my twenties, I read a book called “The Magic of Believing”.  It contains much of the same information that can be found in “The Secret” and “Think and Grow Rich”.  All books come from the same premise – if we believe it we can achieve it.

If you believe it, and then take action to support those beliefs, anything is possible.  I don’t always have the belief things will work out as I hope, but I am getting better, and I believe there are more options available to me today, than anytime in my life.

Believe…and you can achieve!

 

60 Day Feel Good Challenge – Day 59: Love

60 Day Feel Good Challenge – Day 59: Love

michael platania / 60 Day Feel Good Challenge, Michael's Journey / , , / 0 Comment

I am a little surprised that “Love” has not been addressed before today.  I decided to write about love after reading an article on the Eleven Steps to Finding Your True Love.  Step number 2 is Fall in Love With Yourself! I think this is an important step for any change in life and one I work on each day.

Love does not mean just loving yourself – it means loving life and loving others.  I believe we are born into this world capable of two emotions – Love and Fear.  Love is attraction – it draws us near and opens us up to the light.  Fear is repulsion – it pushes us away and shuts us down.  Every emotion we experience in life is born out of these two emotions.

Until we learn to love ourselves, we are never truly free to fully love others.  We spend so much time and energy cultivating a relationship with people we meet, and so little time creating a loving relationship with ourself.  I have been working on this the past few months, learning to love myself.  I don’t know that I am fully there yet, but I am a lot further along than two months ago.

When you learn to fully love yourself, you also learn to fully accept and understand yourself, and once you do that, anything – and everything, is possible.

 

photo credit: Noel Zia Lee

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